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me: "The doctor seemed impressed with your recovery so far."
"Well the explanation is - I AM amazing!"



"That Doctor Tran is a great guy; he treats me like I am a mighty tin god!"

(After learning he is no longer allowed to drive a car)
"How am I going to get a woman to have sex with me if I can no longer drive my car?!"
me: "I think you should be more worried about getting a woman to have sex with you while you are wearing that hat."

nurse: "We need to check your temperature - that is good."
dad: (does a weird little dance)
nurse: “Okay we need to check your oxygen levels - very good."
dad: (does a weird little dance)
nurse: "Okay now step onto the scale - great."
dad: (just stands there)
nurse: "Don't I get a little dance?"
dad: "Sorry lady only the first two are free."

me: "You don't HAVE to live with me if you don't want to, you could always live in Florida."
"Florida?! I would rather live in a filthy barn and drink swill."

"Can you give me a few minutes so I can sin?"

social worker at rehab: "I heard you were in the military sir."
"Yes Madam, I served in Korea. There we were, three against a thousand... toughest three we ever fought."

(I am cutting the old man's toenails)
"I remember when you graduated from high school but then you were suddenly gone from the house. I don’t remember where you went."
(Long pause)
me: "You threw me out of the house Dad, I lived on the street for a few months."
"Are you sure it was me? I don't remember doing that."
me: "I am pretty sure."
"Well that is just terrible..."
me: "No sense in worrying about it now Pop, it was a very long time ago."
"I did that to you and now you are here taking care of me."
me: "Yeah."
"Wow, King Lear is a good play."

"We have to call the narcissist doctor."
me: "What in the hell are you talking about?"
"The narcissist doctor, the narcissist doctor! The guy who checks my brain for damage!"
me: "Do you mean the neurologist?"
"Yes."
me: "Okay those are two entirely different doctors; we can call the neurologist when we get home, but I am afraid your narcissism is terminal."

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February 2011

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