zeppomarks: (Default)

As some of you may or may not know the Commodore suffered a small hemorrhagic stroke about a week ago.  Dutifully I hopped a plane to Portland to take care of things out this way.  The only damage that occurred happened in his language center.  His motor skills and logic centers are mercifully unaffected.  The woman at the rehab place where he is (as he puts it) "incarcerated" says she is impressed with his recovery overall and his prognosis is good.
It is interesting to see in real time his brain try and re-route around the damage, while he searches for the word that he means and his brain replaces it with something that seems related.  It is pretty fascinating really.

Of course this makes his already bizarre discourse all the more entertaining, if not more confusing.  I have to explain to the staff frequently that he was "like this before the stroke."

So without further ado, direct quotes from the Commodore:

me: Dad what are you doing?
(while pulling a bottle from a panel in his desk) I am having a little gin.
me: Are you crazy, you can't have that!
no it's okay... it is after 3:00.

me: (walking in on him surfing porn) Dad!!! for the love of God please shut that off right now!
What? you don't want to watch this?
me: No, I really really don't!
Is it beause she isn't a natural blonde?

I still haven't gotten my stuff from the Veterans's administration, so I thought you could write your friend for me and ask him to help me out.
me: What friend are you referring to?
You know that guy you worked for and like so much, he has the good looking wife and kids...
me: Are you talking about President Obama?
That's it!

You know I have a lot to offer a woman...
me: Like being feeble and verbose?
I am also very tall.

You know I still can't believe your mother went all "rogue" on me before she died.
me: Are you talking about her converting to Catholicism?

You know I watched the woman put the code in to shut alarm off for the front door (rehab) last night - I think I can make a break for it.

me: I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to the urologist's office when we can just pay this bill over the phone?
We HAVE to go there, you need to drive me right now!
me: But why?  There is a phone number right here on the bill?
(yelling and shaking his fist) Don't you understand?! I am in love with the receptionist!
me:  I thought you were in love with that woman at the dentist office.
oh yeah... well, I love her too.



zeppomarks: (Default)
Before he whisked off to Vancouver however a few more precious gems fell from his lips.

"Those people were pretty nice considering they were Christian and all"

This was uttered to the people at the train depot museum, whom he had just met 15 minutes prior,
Commodore: “Let me see if I can buy you folks a railroad car to go on those empty tracks over there."
Person running the museum: "uh well, that would be very generous of you."
Commodore: "You would let me come and sit in it... right?"

Pronounced very loudly at a 4 star restaurant,
"This place is MUCH better than Taco Bell!"

Spoken to a French Waiter, "Can you bring my daughter here a Beefeater gin martini straight up with a lemon twist? We need to keep her on her toes. Also bring us some Molluscan Gastropoda and two spoons!"

Yelled into the phone, "What they don't understand is that I am a man with needs!"

"Your friends seemed relatively intelligent, but I am really amazed by their children."
me: "How so?"
"They owned such well mannered infants, there was no snot-nosed screaming and wailing like the horrid little street urchins that most children are..."

I don’t want to be called a diabetic, I prefer ‘Sugar Cripple.’

"You know the second I kissed her hand I could tell she used to be a man"
zeppomarks: (Default)
I picked my father up yesterday from the airport sporting a cane and an Indiana Jones hat. He complained that the doctor was making him carry a cane where ever he goes now. I wanted to remind him that he already owns an extensive collection of canes since he always had them as some kind of gesticulating device when I was growing up and the only difference between now and then is now they have become utilitarian and therefore suddenly annoying.

a list of direct quotes so far:

"Sarah can you look at my head, there is something going on back there..."

"People who do not properly edit books are a rash upon society"

"Why would someone want to smell like Jello?" (me)"That says 'fragrances by J-Lo' dad."

"Be honest, do you think black people are being nicer to me?"

leaning over a counter "This is a scam, like bottled water. I feel dirty just being in here. (me)"Dad could you please just let the man make my coffee?"

Who is Mrs. Susan Raspberry? (me)"I dont know why?" "She is stuck to my shoe."

Your brother has been writing smaller lately - do you think that effects his self esteem?"

Do you think (insert family name here)is having an affair? (me) uhh I don't think so why? "Well there was that guy who used come around and it was a little acey duecey no peeky nine card baseball crampa tampa 9s 7s and split berry kings wild."

*for the record I made him repeat that last one three times to make sure I had it right.
zeppomarks: (Default)
during my visit with my family in Florida over the weekend.

my brother asks me while in the drive through what I would like to have. I say, "a Chick-fil-a and a lemonade please sir." To which my sister-in-law replied "a sugar-free lemonade would be better for you."

what I did not say: You know what would be better for you? Some sugar-free shut up.

The server at brunch sets down a plate of eggs over easy, sausage and potatoes in front of the Commodore. The Commodore picks up his eating utensils and pronounces gleefully, "You know paranoia is its own reward!"

what I did not say: If that were true your son would be the richest man in the world.


The Commodore is sitting at my sister's kitchen table discussing the fact that even though two of the immediate family members were missing, the rest of us were here together now and that is better than "being beat with a piss elm club."

what I did not say: I am not sure that is correct.


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